Sunday, June 20, 2004

I'm on the no appetite/just lost girlfriend diet. The scale reads 205. I can't even remember when I've been that light. Might as well go for 180. Considering going vegetarian.

So yeah, Ella and I broke up. She isn't ready to settle down and I can't handle being anything romantic to her if we're not settled down. That, plus I have a few issues of my own, like losing sight of who I am.

See, a year ago was kind of a low point for me. I'd been laid off from a second tech job and I was working as a technician at Dave & Busters. Normally I'd fight to get back the things I no longer had -- a good job, a license, a car. But Ella came along and she was literally the most assuring and beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I stopped caring about anything except being in her arms. And I became a fairly boring and pathetic person in the process.

I talked to a friend tonight and she was incredibly helpful by giving me a light kick in the ass. Ella isn't ready. I'm not ready. The very best I can do right now is find myself as a person and be there for Ella when and if she needs me as a person, not a boyfriend. Maybe a time will come when we're right for each other again. Maybe not. Right now I feel like I have an incredible challenge in front of me but I also feel I'm up to it.

At the very least she is dating a guy who appears to be somewhat worthy of her. I know I love that girl because the idea of her being with him doesn't bother me. I guess I've just been so frustrated because I want to see her happy and she hasn't been happy in a long time.

Anyway, sorry for the hiatus. I've been extremely disoriented with the change of city, jobs, dating status and even the room I live in. I'm reading a bit, checking out jobs around Boston and getting my head screwed back on. Thanks for everyone who offered advice.

No comments: