Dear Annoying Legal Firm,
The bill you are collecting on has already been paid. The whole $5.48.
We've also been in contact with various entities regarding this bill, including the hospital and people representing the hospital, to correct this matter. Everyone we speak with seems to find the copy of the check just fine, but the demands to pay this already-paid bill haven't stopped.
You are but the latest.
Unfortunately, paying $5.48 I don't owe simply to be rid of you, while probably sane, just isn't in my nature. Hopefully you can appreciate my position.
Enclosed is a copy of the bill and a copy of the cashed check.
If you require further assistance correcting this mistake, I will be happy to help at the rate of $100.00/hr, 1-hour minimum, net 30.