Tonight I have officially begun something I've wanted to do for ...many years; begin work on an album. Techno, of course, though my style is a bit more organic. W00T!

The last three days have been ...enlightening. =)

Normally I wake up with Ella being the first thing on my mind. I wasn't lying when I told her that. Unfortunately, it still is. The last three nights I've kind of drifted awake, content and rested, and it hits me; She's gone.

It's like having a wallet full of money. If you have it, you don't have to buy anything to justify it. It's just there. You could if you wanted. I'm used to the idea of being able to hug her or kiss her or sleep next to her if I wanted. Now it's gone. And when I wake up and realize this my stomach grinds into a small knot.

I'm on the no appetite/just lost girlfriend diet. The scale reads 205. I can't even remember when I've been that light. Might as well go for 180. Considering going vegetarian.

So yeah, Ella and I broke up. She isn't ready to settle down and I can't handle being anything romantic to her if we're not settled down. That, plus I have a few issues of my own, like losing sight of who I am.

See, a year ago was kind of a low point for me. I'd been laid off from a second tech job and I was working as a technician at Dave & Busters. Normally I'd fight to get back the things I no longer had -- a good job, a license, a car. But Ella came along and she was literally the most assuring and beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I stopped caring about anything except being in her arms. And I became a fairly boring and pathetic person in the process.

I talked to a friend tonight and she was incredibly helpful by giving me a light kick in the ass. Ella isn't ready. I'm not ready. The very best I can do right now is find myself as a person and be there for Ella when and if she needs me as a person, not a boyfriend. Maybe a time will come when we're right for each other again. Maybe not. Right now I feel like I have an incredible challenge in front of me but I also feel I'm up to it.

At the very least she is dating a guy who appears to be somewhat worthy of her. I know I love that girl because the idea of her being with him doesn't bother me. I guess I've just been so frustrated because I want to see her happy and she hasn't been happy in a long time.

Anyway, sorry for the hiatus. I've been extremely disoriented with the change of city, jobs, dating status and even the room I live in. I'm reading a bit, checking out jobs around Boston and getting my head screwed back on. Thanks for everyone who offered advice.

A few people have expressed concern. I'm fine. Ella and I have broken up. As in permanent.

I really don't have much more to say than that. I'll either get over it or I won't.