It's going to be an interesting three days.

"It kicks whiskey dick right out the 6th story window. It works like a Korean grocer. Eighteen hours. ... You could drink a can of lighter fluid and still turn a girl's sphincter inside out like an elephant's trunk at five-thirty the next morning. It's like being a small god. It's like being a false prophet and I strongly recommend it to all my friends."

     Doug Stanhope on Viagra

Here's the video. And here's a nice screen capture of the reaction of a female in the audience.

The best line I've heard all night is "I have a folded Strunk and White up my butt." I don't think I could get married to a person who didn't.

You know you need a new computer when you can type faster than it can keep up, he added parenthetically.

I originally posted just the goldfish stanza but, upon review, decided that the entire song pretty much sums up my view of life.

So here is the whole thing. Little Plastic Castles by Ani Difranco. I think she's the reason I want to live in NYC so badly. Well, her, KRS-One, Mos Def and grafitti.

in a coffee shop in a city
which is every coffee shop
in every city
on a day
which is every day
i picked up a magazine
which is every magazine
and read a story,
and then forgot it right away

they say goldfish have no memory
i guess their lives are much like mine
and the little plastic castle
is a surprise every time
and it's hard to say if they're happy
but they don't seem much to mind

         yeeha

from the shape of your shaved head
i recognized your silhoutte
as you walked out of the sun and sat down
and the sight of your sleepy smile
eclipsed all the other people
as they paused to sneer at the two girls
from out of town

i said, look at you this morning
you are, by far, the cutest
but be careful getting coffee
i think these people want to shoot us
or maybe there's some kind of local competition here
to see who can be the rudest

people talk
about my image
like i come in two dimensions
like lipstick is a sign of my declining mind
like what i happen to be wearing
the day that someone takes a picture
is my new statement for all of womankind

i wish they could see us now
in leather bras and rubber shorts
like some ridiculous team uniform
for some ridculous new sport
quick someone call the girl police
and file a report

         yeah

in a coffe shop in a city
which is every coffee shop in every city
on a day which is every day

Followed up with Placebo's Pure Morning. This song is going in my next radio show.

a friend in needs a friend indeed,
a friend with weed is better,
a friend with breasts and all the rest,
a friend who's dressed in leather,

a friend in needs a friend indeed,
a friend who'll tease is better ,
our thoughts compressed,
which makes us blessed,
and makes for stormy weather,

a friend in needs a friend indeed,
my japanese is better,
and when she's pressed she will undress,
and then she's boxing clever,

a friend in needs a friend indeed,
a friend who bleeds is better,
my friend confessed she passed the test,
and we will never sever,

day's dawning, skins crawling [repeat three more times]
pure morning, [repeat this three more times]

a friend in needs a friend indeed,
a friend who'll tease is better,
our thoughts compressed,
which makes us blessed,
and makes for stormy weather,

a friend in needs a friend indeed,
a friend who bleeds is better,
my friend confessed she passed the test,
and we will never sever,

day's dawning, skins crawling [repeat three more times]
pure morning,[repeat this three more times]

a friend in needs a friend indeed,
my japanese is better,
and when she's pressed she will undress,
and then she's boxing clever,

a friend in needs a friend indeed,
a friend with weed is better,
a friend with breasts and all the rest,
a friend who's dressed in leather

Terrence McKenna said that the point isn't to go but to bring something back.

The Root of the Root of Your Self

Don't go away, come near.
Don't be faithless, be faithful.
Find the antidote in the venom.
Come to the root of the root of yourself.

Molded of clay, yet kneaded
from the substance of certainty,
a guard at the Treasury of Holy Light --
come, return to the root of the root of your Self.

Once you get hold of selflessness,
You'll be dragged from your ego
and freed from many traps.
Come, return to the root of the root of your Self.

You are born from the children of God's creation,
but you have fixed your sight too low.
How can you be happy?
Come, return to the root of the root of your Self.

You were born from a ray of God's majesty
and have the blessings of a good star.
Why suffer at the hands of things that don't exist?
Come, return to the root of the root of your Self.

You are a ruby embedded in granite.
How long will you pretend it's not true?
We can see it in your eyes.
Come to the root of the root of your Self.

You came here from the presence of that fine Friend,
a little drunk, but gentle, stealing our hearts
with that look so full of fire; so,
come, return to the root of the root of your Self.

     Rumi

For Ella.

Read the whole thing. Trust me on this one.

LONDON, England (AP) -- A British army regiment's ceremonial pet goat was demoted in disgrace after it marched out of line before a host of international dignitaries during a parade to mark Queen's Elizabeth II's birthday, a military spokesman said Saturday.

The military mascot, a 6-year-old male goat called Billy, was downgraded from the rank of lance corporal to fusilier -- the same status as a private -- after army chiefs ruled his poor display had ruined the ceremony June 16 at a British army base in Episkopi, western Cyprus.

Lance Cpl. Dai Davies, 22, the goat's handler, was unable to keep control during the march earlier this month, as the mascot darted from side to side, throwing soldiers off their stride, spokesman Captain Crispian Coates said by telephone from Episkopi -- one of two British bases on the island.

"The goat, which has been the regiment's mascot since 2001, was supposed to be leading the march, but would not stay in line," said Coates. "He was reported for subordination and after consideration, the commanding officer decided he had no option but to demote Billy."

Since his demotion, soldiers of a lower rank are no longer expected to salute Billy as a sign of respect, Coates said.

Captain William Rose, a soldier present at the parade, said the goat "was trying to headbutt the waist and nether regions of the drummers."

The regiment, the 1st Battalion, The Royal Welsh, has traveled with a pet goat since soldiers adopted one of the animals during the Crimean War, awarding it ceremonial status as a lance corporal.

A total of 11 ceremonial pets -- including a ferret, an Indian black buck and a ram -- are kept by the British Army, but regiments do not take the mascots on tours to combat zones. British legislators were told last month that keeping the pets costs £30,000 ($55,000; €44,000) per year.

The Welsh regiment was presented with a goat from the Royal herd in 1746, and Billy is a descendant from the same bloodline, said a spokeswoman for Britain's Ministry of Defense, on customary condition of anonymity in line with policy.

"He is not a grazing goat and has food flown in from Wales. Billy also has an allowance of two cigarettes a day -- both of which he eats," said the spokeswoman.

there's more to life than books, you know
but not much more
oh, there's more to life than books, you know
but not much more, not much more

     - The Smiths ("Handsome Devil", Peel session)

This Friday is my birthday. I turn 34. I have a request.

Download Why We Fight [bittorrent], watch it then reply to this post. If downloading stuff makes you itch, let me know and I'll send you a copy myself.

Thanks.

Cycling home today I came across a tortoise. Shell about the size of a large dinner plate and crushed horribly. I took it by the tail and lifted to remove it from the road simply to avoid the indignity of being repeately hit by traffic. Turns out it was quite alive. I won't be graphic but let's just say I don't know how.

Rockport apparently has no animal control and the only on-duty officers -- both of them -- were busy with an arrest. In Rockport. I'm not kidding.

Never had to kill an animal before. Isn't fun.

Congratulations, Josephine.

I just found an original, excellent condition KLH Research Model Eighteen at a church yard sale.

It's worth $150.

They were asking $10. I talked them down to five.

I feel evil.

"Wow. What a skank."

     - Ella's mom after seeing Ann Coulter on Jay Leno

Today was Get Shit Done day. Most of you can skip this post.

* Fixed my bike. No more fraying tyre! No more punctured tube! No more wobbly wheel! Seventeen dollars! w00t!

* Bought and transported mini-fridge to my room. Ice cold water and Diet Pepsi a mere three feet from The Place From Whence I Hardly Move! Go me!

* Laundry! 'nuff said!

* Stewie's high-rise is now a condo. It isn't like he ever went to the penthouse so fuckit.

* COMPLETELY rearranged my room. Shit was getting a little crowded with all the new tools and whatnot. It still looks like Dorothy et al ran though but it's one of those darkest-before-storm-ends deals.

* I have a hot date on Saturday. By "hot date" I mean girl, books and coffee. I'd make a joke about the coffee being the only thing getting hot or blown, but if I know my readers it goes without saying. =P

Note to self; do not drink Diet Pepsi and watch Lewis Black at the same time.

Got into Gloucester today. Found this magazine shop, went inside. Their selection was wider than I expected and some of the material indicated they might have graffiti mags. So I asked.

"We don't like to encourage that kind of behavior."

"Well you've got quite a collection of porno mags and every girl in 'em is dressed like she's fifteen years old. What kind of behavior do you think that promotes?"

Yes, I said that but it was said in a vaguely cajoling sort of way. She wasn't rude, just ignorant, and I didn't want to get into a flame war.

I felt like saying "You've got stacks upon stacks of magazines filled with articles and advertisements that teach your kids they're not worth a plugged nickel unless they're seventeen and gorgeous but you're going to pretend art on a wall is your concern?"

Bought a mini-fridge. Now I just have to figure out how to get it home. I might just take a taxi to Gloucester, call a cab and throw it in the trunk. It'll fit.

Other than that, nothing interesting. Well ...ok, some interesting. But nobody knows. 'cept the Shadow.

And she knows who she iz.

While I'd never claim I was the only or the first, Pandora is a tool that I've wanted to invent (or wanted someone to invent) for a long, long time.

Not only will I use it, I'll probably actually subscribe. It's that cool.

If you're into music and you're always begging your friends with good taste to introduce you to something new, something good, check it.

Picked up some chicken teriyaki today. It came with a fortune cookie but instead of simply opening it, I decided to ask a question I Ching-style.

I will not reveal the question.

The answer was, "Past experience: He who never makes mistakes never did anything that's worthy."

!@#$ing Asian fortune telling. Gr.

My god! It's full of eagles!